This monologue was my side of summer debate series, our theme was "Hot Dogs vs Fireworks". If you can't tell, I picked hot dogs. Enjoy.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I’m here to talk to you about the hot dog, which is a small woodland creature that resides in the mainly deciduous forests of northern Connecticut.
*Someone from off stage comes up tells me that’s not right* *throw papers*
*Yelling* THIS CREATURE IS NOT A PEST! I WILL SAY IT AGAIN, THIS CREATURE
*someone comes over and whispers to me* I apologize folks, that’s also the wrong debate *throw papers*
Assembled members of the press, I want to talk to you about hot dogs. I’m talking showboats, show offs, dare devils, thrill seekers. These people are putting themselves at risk, and our children on a daily basis. *someone comes over again and whispers to me* I apologize again folks, we are apparently *beat* not talking about those types of hot dogs. *thows papers*
Audience members, my wife and friends I begged to come to this, staff members who are forced to be here, let’s talk about Hot Dogs v. Fireworks. Let’s discuss the dog, let’s be frank about the frankfurter, let’s congregate over some coneys, let’s rap, just me and you…guys all of you, about the wiener.
Let me toss out some hot dog facts like that special person who gets to toss out the first pitch at a baseball game. Oh baseball! What yummy, cylindrical meat do we all think about when I say baseball? That’s right audience members! Hot dogs! If you said something else I don’t know what baseball games in hell you go to.
In 1893 the first hot dogs were served at a baseball game, coming late to the game, as usual, are fireworks first appearing at a major league baseball game in the 1930’s. Hey fireworks, hot dogs were here first.
Facto numero two-o: Hot Dogs cause less deaths per year than fireworks do. Fireworks kill anywhere from 8-13 people per year, injure upwards of 8,000, and cause some 15,000 fires annually. Hot Dog fatalities hover around 1.6 children, I couldn’t find any concrete numbers on hot dog related injuries in the several minutes of hasty googling I did, and found no…recorded…cases….of fires started by hot dogs. Despite the name, I just don’t think the hot dog has it in itself to start a fire. My dear audience, do you want to leave your children home with the tasty, kind, and gentle hot dog? or child killer, adult maimer, the pyromaniac that is the firework.
This brings us to fact three. Hot dogs are delicious to eat, fireworks are not. Pork, turkey, beef, salt, paprika these all sound like edible things. I have eaten the majority of them, and can vouch for their edibility. But fireworks, containing things like magnesium, lithium, phosphorous, and oxygen, who’s even heard of most of those things?
To be fair to my competition, I cooked both hot dogs and fireworks on the grill in attempt to compare the tastes. The hot dogs, as I expected, were delicious. (more descriptions on hot dogs?) The fireworks on the other hand *beat* actually ignited in my grill, which caused the propane tank on my grill to explode, which destroyed most of my house. My wife and I and our beautiful dog are now homeless so, thanks a lot fireworks. *beat* Never see no hot dogs destroying any houses…
And wrapping up the hard hitting facts section let’s look at the origins of our two combatants. Where do hot dogs come from? Germany. We all know the Germans were a peaceful people throughout history so of course they would invent something wonderful like the hot dog.
On the other hand, we have the inventor of the fireworks, the Chinese. Those people…wait, how many Chinese people do we have in the audience? *counts how many hands go up* Oh. *quickly* The Chinese people were great and never had any problems with their neighbors either. So that one’s kind of tie. Moving on…
I want to switch gears for a moment and clear up some of the slandering my opponents surely did if they went first, if they’re going second *beat* I’m cutting them off at the pass.
First off, the claim that I am, or ever was an octopus, sea snail, cuttlefish, oyster, possibly a group clever octopi that have fashioned a crude puppet out of human skin, or any other mollusk is completely false. I don’t know how rumors get started, but if anyone is going to Red Lobster later or a rocky tidal zone teeming with prawns or smaller cephalopods, I could use a ride.
Second off, my opponent my claim hot dogs are bad for you with their high sodium content, pose serious choking hazards to children, and indeed that some hot dogs contain not so delicious sounding ingredients like mechanically separated meat product. To this I posit the following well-informed, thought out, and concise retort: *beat* *blow raspberries*
That was silly, let’s be serious for a moment folks. Let’s get topical, like ointment, we’re going to get topical for a minute. Was there a ban on hot dogs over the holiday weekend? No, because that would be putting a ban on deliciousness, no one wants that. What was banned over this most recent 4th of July weekend? Fireworks or as myself and unofficial comments from Indiana state lawmakers I just made up call them: little devils that set entire counties ablaze if we let them run free.
Two things to keep in mind as I conclude. 1) Hotdogs are better than Fireworks 2) Think. Think about the children. Think about , *singing* fat kids *pause* skinny kids *pause* kids…who climb rocks *pause* tough kids *pause* sissy kids *pause* even kids…with chicken pox. LOOOOOVVVEEE HOT DOGS, ALL BRANDS OF HOT DOGS!
Thank you, god bless hot dogs, god bless ‘merica.
Apologies to Armour hot dogs.
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