The first monologue I'd written in a long time. Essentially I took a mundane problem that was bothering me (surrounding neighbors and their annoying behavior) and turned it up to "11".
My neighbors, boy, let me tell you, my neighbors are a pain in my a-s-s, ass.
My neighbor to the left of me, this guy, he’s up all night playing his mariachi music. You can’t sleep with no mariachi music playing at 3 in the morning. I told Bernadette, that’s my wife, I told Bernadette to go over there and ask them to turn it down. They didn’t want me goin over there onna account a I’d have to knock someone’s teeth out.
My neighbor to the right? He’s an even bigger douchebag. His kids yell and scream, bloody murder, all day long. It’s like the only game they know how to play is “murder practice”. You know, the only way I’d know if they was being actually murdered? If they was quiet!
The neighbor across the street is the worst of them all. Always with flashing lights coming from every window of the house, and the subhuman scream of his half man/half man genetic experiments. You know one time I caught a half man half donkey rooting through my garbage!
Da neighbor back to the left, he lets his teenager drive an old muscle car, which ain’t so bad. Except that he squeals the tires and peels out at 6 in the morning!
And to the right, those brats leave their toys all over my yard. Yesterday I think I mowed up half a battalion of GI Joes!
And to top it all off , the guy across the street volunteers for the neighborhood watch, which is nice, until I find out he’s patrolling the neighborhood with flying robot drones! Yeah, robot drones with whatchacallit, laser beams for eyeballs! Can you imagine?
Ahh, they’re all on my last nerve. Lefty there bought a motorcycle and he revs the damn thing every time he takes off. VROOM ROOM ROOM! And Righty got himself a barking dog to go along with his screaming kids. BOW WOW WOW WOW.
*takes a breath, sits down*
Then one day, my third neighbor, the wacky doodle, the one that lives across the street. He’s got himself a new experiment. He’s experimentin with…what do the kids call em nowadays? Interdimensional portals, that’s it. Anyway, he’s doin experiments with these portals then BOOM, he opens up a rift in space time so big it sucks his, Lefty’s and Righty’s houses right in. *sucking noise*
Now, unfortunately it did suck in my house as well, but me and Bernadette go to the Olive Garden up the road on Thursday so we wasn’t sucked in as well.
Honestly, that kook did me a favor. Bernadette and I wanted to leave anyways. The neighborhood was just getting too weird for us, you know?
No comments:
Post a Comment